The Bug

The Bug is a comedic radio show in Watch Dogs: Legion. It can be heard in cars on the radio, or can be listened to by accessing the data drive. It is based on the real-life podcast The Bugle, which is hosted by the same people, Andy Zaltzman and Alice Fraser.

Episodes

There are eight episodes, all of which the player receives at the start of the game, or found within the Safehouse.

Albion, Shmalbion

Andy and Alice discuss crime rates as reported by Albion, ring up the Prime Minister, and debut their latest feature, BUG OFF.

	Name: The Bug: Albion, Shmalbion  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: From the BuccanEar, this is The Bug. Andy: Hello, resistors, it's Bug Time. Are you sitting comfortably? No? Good. That's as it should be. This is The Bug. I'm Andy and joining me to analyze the latest blowflies to emerge from the corpse of a once-free Britain - it's Alice. Alice: Hello, Andy. Andy: And today we're going to talk to you about Albion. Your friends and mine, Alice. The government has extended Albion's contract and have also boasted that violent crime has plummeted to a record low. Now, extending Albion's contract to me is like having a pet dog, call it Nigel for the sake of the argument, that attacks you every single day and thinking to yourself "wouldn't it be nice if Nigel had puppies". Alice: (laughter) That contract has been extended so many times, it's like the neck of a politician that's criticised the government. Andy: (laughter) I'm not sure entirely how those contract extension negotiations went. Probably like a footballer. In the old days I assume Albion's agent was leaking stories to the press about how our favourite private militia was being tapped up by Barcelona-- Alice: (laughter) Andy: The government panics and thinks well we better get them signed up before it's too late. But still, violent crime, a record low. Although I imagine that probably depends exactly how you count it. If you include violent crime committed by the state either themselves or via Albion, their chosen violent crime contractors who provide such a very valuable bargain service of beating people up, well, it's probably not quite as low as the figures suggest. Alice: I don't know, I think they're probably right. Who has the opportunity to commit violent crime these days anyway? The moment you pick up a fruit knife you get tasered by a robot policeman and deported for looking Bulgarian. It's a much more peaceful society. It's just much less of a society. Andy: I wanna know the details of the contracts, Alice. Are they paid per dissident duffed up? Is it a set rate for each extra judicial state mugging? And what is that rate? What do you think? Alice: Well, it certainly looks like they're trying to hit a quota of some kind. Andy: What is the set rate? Is it ninety nine point nine five cryptos? Bargain! it seems very reasonable indeed. I imagine they don't ask too much anyway. Because it's just so nice to get paid for doing your hobby anyway, isn't it? I imagine it doesn't even feel like work. Alice: I mean who need violent crime anymore, anyway, you know? You can just starve to death without even starting a gang war. Andy: We do have to ask, exactly what does the Prime Minister make of all this? Let's ask him. (phone ringing) Andy: Oh I hope they pick up. "Hello. You're through to Number 10 Downing Street." Hello, is the Prime Minister there, please? "Let me just check. Sorry, you've missed, I'm afraid he's popped out for the decade." Oh, never mind. Is there anyone else I can talk to? "Yes, of course, there's a shady cabal of vested interests who control him and prop him up in power." Great! I'll have a chat with them then. Alice: Oh, Andy, do you remember when you'd get away with prank calls without people coming around to your house to beat the shit out of you? Andy: (laughter) Oh, happy times... (music) Announcer: You're listening to THE BUG. Andy: Do you think the Prime Minister w-will ever come back? Alice: I don't think we've ever had a Prime Minister. Andy: Well, that's a much more reassuring way of looking at things. Alice: (laughter) Andy: What have we become, Alice? When you look at the state of our politics, we're supposed to have the mother of Parliaments. Well, this is one mother that has emphatically abandoned her kids in the woods to be brought up by wolves. And let me tell you, that never works out like it does in the stories. Wolves are bad parents unless you're a wolf. Alice: (laughter) Andy: In which case they can do a job bringing you up as a wolf. Do not give your children to wolves. And do we actually own anything as a country now? Is there anything we haven't flogged off for profit? Oh, I think we've basically just become a homeopathic Britain, diluted and diluted until there's barely a trace of the original Britain left. But some quackish lunatics insist it actually works better that way. It's total bullshit. Is there anything left? (music) Andy: New on The Bug this week, a new feature - the BUG OFF - feature, the person who has most irritated us in Britain, this week we're going to tell to bug off. And to get things going, I'm going to nominate big Nigel. Nigel Cass. Look, this is Britain. History tells us this place is a bastion of freedom. I'm just not sure that that kind of freedom should involve big Nigel expressing his freedom to run a private army. I guess, historically, there is a precedent. The East India Company, that was a trading house with an army of 250,000 soldiers, which is a lot for a company. The Bug PMC has Alice with a water pistol. Alice: (laughter) Andy: But, crucially, compared with Albion, the East India Company didn't operate its quarter of a million strong army...in London. It did it a long way away, out of sight, out of mind. And who do you want to nominate for the Bug Off? Alice: I think today's bug off for me goes to my streaming service. I'm sick of being recommended things based on things I already like. The other day it recommended me to watch a reality TV competitive dating show set in a nude commune. Andy, I watched it and I liked it and I do not want to be the kind of person who enjoys nude competitive reality television dating shows. Andy: (laughter) Alice: I did not want to know that about myself. I have to go sit in a corner and cry. Andy: That's it from The Bug. Don't forget the live show that is so secret it is definitely not happening at the usual time and place this month. Definitely not and definitely do not tell anyone not not to come to it will definitely not happen. Usual time and place. Bye bye.

Bitter Medicine

Andy and Alice discuss alternative medicine in the wake of recent shortages, the novelty of breakfast, and the "glory days".

	Name: The Bug: Bitter Medicine  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. May cause nausea, vomiting and headaches. Andy: Hello Britain. This is The Bug, the show that holds up a mirror to the world and smashes itself on the head with it in despair. I'm Andy. Joining me, as always, Alice, uh-- Alice: I deny everything. Andy: (laughter) Good state of existence. Some good news at last. There are no medicine shortages according to the government. None at all. There have been various allegations about that. It turns out they are all fake news, trademark. There are none. There are no shortages of medicine. Don't take it from me. I'm not a medical supply expert. Alice: (laughter) Andy: Take it from our beloved government. It's fine. In fact, I'm going to read between the lines here and actually say that there's probably - there's too much medicine, if anything, just medicines. You can't move for - in fact, just this morning I tried to pour some corn flakes into a bowl for breakfast and out tumbled a 12 month course of immunosuppressants, corticosteroids, and antiretro-fungal-nuero-dietary-estrogen-spermatotropic fruit pastilles. Alice: The people claiming there are medical shortages are probably high on lots of medicine that they've been given. I for one, believe that there are no medical shortages, Andy. Just last week I went in with a broken arm and they suggested it might just be an extreme period pain and prescribed me a drink of water and an astrology chart. Andy: (laughter) We can't be too far away from them just prescribing stiff upper lip, like they did in the Blitz. Alice: (laughter) My uncle had his leg removed due to diabetes. They halved his insulin because they said there was less of him to be diabetic. Andy: (laughter) So anyway people, don't believe what you read or hear about there not being enough medical drugs to go around. It's not true. It's hospital hogwash. It's pharmaceutical flimflam. It's medical mendacity. It's Hippocratic humbug. It's nonsensical narcotic nincompoop. I think I've made the point. Do not believe the news telling you that we've run out of medicine, nor should you believe the empty shelves at the chemist. They're also lying. Do not believe your doctor saying "sorry, we're fresh out of that, you're gonna have to eat a carrot and pretend". Do not believe your own cobweb-ridden medicine cabinet at home. It might look empty, but it's not, for it contains the only medicine any of us truly need, stirring music please, producer Chris: freedom. The medicine of British freedom, of the analgesic knowledge that however ill you may be, Blume are keeping an eye on things for you. Alice: I'm investing heavily in the placebo effect right now. (music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. Andy: Obviously, I don't entirely mean that, because what is the first rule of the third millennium? If someone in power tells you something is fake news, what is it: correct. A 110 percent cast-on tungsten coated, granite scented, cosmically immutable, scientifically unarguable fact. But surely, Alice, the more important question for all these medicine freaks whinging on about feeling a bit poorly or having a fatal but curable illness and slowly dying unnecessarily, is this: do we actually need medicine? If you today got diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness, would you not look around the nation that we've become and think, "Hey, Doc, put your life saving treatment down. I'm gonna take this free one-way bus out of here. Now, hold that pillow over my face until the twitching stops". Alice: (laughter) I just don't think we should think of it in such a negative way. Don't think of it as a medicine diet, Andy. Think of it as a series of healthy lifestyle swaps. Swap out anti-inflammatories for antacids. Swap out the iron lung for the aluminium lung. Swap out MRI machines for Mary Machines, which is just a lady called Mary telling you you're fine. Andy: (laughter) Obviously, critical shortages are as much part of our daily lives, our society, and our culture today as things like football, music, and complaining about the weather used to be in the old days. And, well, food shortages, we just learned to live with them, don't we? And there's a lot of positives as well with all these food shortages. I mean, we were eating too much anyway. As a nation, the government was just helping us live healthier lifestyles. It's so hard to de on you own, isn't it? You need the support of a friend or loved one or a government or a collapsing social infrastructure. Alice: (laughter) Andy: Positive two: meat! Very bad for the environment. So, we're actually rebuilding the polar icecaps every time we eat a scrap of lettuce. Uh, three, positive three: the human race had already cooked all the recipes it needed. There was no more to be done with food. We've done that. We can take it off. We've done it. I was bored of food, anyway. I've been having it all my life. If you've been doing the same thing three times a day or sometimes seven or even eight times a day, you're bound to get bored of it. Alice: (laughter) Andy: And and also, final positive: no more mealtimes! Frees up that all that extra time for appreciating all the selfless hard work the Albion do to keep us all safe here in Britain. Alice: Well, as you say, Andy, people are drawn to novelty and everyone's had breakfast once. Andy: (laughter) Alice: Why you gotta keep having it again and again? Andy: Boring, repetitive. There's enough of it in life as it is. (music) Announcer: You are listening to The Bug. Andy: Well, another story that has come to the fore recently is that all European imports have been banned for public health reasons. Which is great news. I mean, at least we can get ill-eating, good home-produced, locally sourced British industrially unsafe food that's something we can all cling to. "Public health reasons". Those are curious word, Alice. I don't know, is that in case the public gets too healthy eating all that Mediterranean muck? We'll serve British food for British tummies. Spelt, nettles, rabbit. That's all we need. All we needed in the glory days. Everyone round to Nigel's for dinner. Yum, yum. Alice: Who needs Italian olives when you eat pickled rubber bands in a soup of regret? Who needs a nice cheese when you can eat a lukewarm, unspecified rat meat pie with zero spices? Andy: Sand, nettles, and bits of dead fox. That's all we needed to eat in the glory days. Let's make Britain great again. That's all from The Bug today. Good night, sleep tight, and make sure the bedbugs do bite.

DIY Fake News

Andy and Alice pick apart "official polls" and discuss media drones, new cameras, and made-up headlines.

	Name: The Bug: DIY Fake News  Author: BuccanEar Network

Announcer: The Bug, objective voice for a most objectionable world. Andy: Hello Bugsters, welcome to The Bug, the comedy show that holds up the Medusa of satire to the already immovable concrete face of modern Britain. Alice: (laughter) Andy: I'm Andy. I bench 480 and I can crack a chain in half just by looking at it. Can I? But what is reality anymore anyway? Alice, what do you bench? Alice: I bench body weights. Well, not my body weight. The body weight of a baby. Andy: (laughter) Right. Yeah, you don't need to give that kind of detail. Alice: Just very impressive. People look at me and go: where did you get that baby? (music) Announcer: You're listening to THE BUG. Alice: In this week's Truth News: according to an official poll, 98% of Londoners are very happy with CTOS. and I am not sure that I agree with this, Andy. I don't think 98% of Londoners have ever in the history of London agreed on anything. Andy: (laughter) Alice: You could not get 98 percent of Londoners to agree that oxygen as better than breathing a fog of raw liquid faeces. And they expect us to believe that everyone agrees CTOS is better than not choking on shit mist. Andy: (laughter) Maybe they just meant 98 percent of one specific Londoner who bought shares in BLUME before its tentacles grew into every crevice of the country. I mean, this is - this is not just any old poll. We should say that. This is not any poll. This is an official poll. Right from the very heart of government, it is not a knockoff fake poll of an elderly couple and their mangy old dog sitting on a bench waiting to die. This is an official poll. So, let's just put those words "official poll" through an online translator, in case you didn't study languages. Let's find out what it actually means...made up lie. Alice: (laughter) Andy: There we go, glad to clear that up. I don't, I think it's fair to say, entirely trust these official polls, they feed us. Alice, I mean< they could publish an official poll saying that over ninety nine point nine percent of children like ice cream, and I would instantly assume that all children now all hate all ice cream and would prefer to eat a bucket of gravel mixed with dead badger. They could publish an official poll saying that 10 out of 10 cats prefer cat food to being whacked with a tennis racket, and I would assume that all cats have gone vegan and were queuing up outside Wimbledon meowing "choose me, choose me". Alice: (laughter) I trust these polls as much as I trust someone recommending a movie that they watched during a breakup. Andy: (laughter) Alice: Your judgement is impaired, Sally. I'll make my own decisions. Andy: I trust those polls as much as I would trust Mary Kelley is she came up to me and said "Congratulations, Andy, you've just on a free holiday to the south of France in the back of this windowless van". Alice: I think official polls are like the unsolicited dick pics the government provides us. I didn't ask for it. I don't believe it. It's on an angle. You've artificially inflated it ahead of time, and anyone that falls for one deserves all the disappointment of trying to match it to reality. These polls are absolute rubbish, Andy. I read one the other day that said that the plumbing in London was good and it absolutely is not. I mean, we have this technology now where they can spy on my every bowel movement. There's a CTOS camera installed inside my underwear drawer. A media drone is scaring the birds off my garden bird feeder and you can't get me consistently hot water. Andy: Speaking of media drones, I mean, they're everywhere, clearly. The great thing, I guess, about media drones is that as inanimate robots, they actually have more humanity, compassion, and dignity than the human journalists we used to have to put up with, and a much more accurately calibrated moral compass. But it's the intrusion I can't stand, Alice. I'm in showbiz! Look at me, here in this windowless dungeon. I'm in showbiz! And it's terrible for me, all these drones, knowing I'm being filmed all the time, every day. I have to make sure I've done my hair and makeup and not wearing clothes I've ever worn before. Well, we all have crosses to bear. (music) Alice: At this point they've installed so many CTOS cameras, I'm not sure where they'll put new ones. On top of the old ones? Just cameras watching other cameras like a social media influencer, so self-absorbed they don't know how to sleep without turning into monetized content? Andy: (laughter) I think that's the logical end of all society, isn't it? Where just everything has just become a camera filming another camera. To be honest, I've just given up on all news and reality now, Alice. I just make up my own headlines these days, I get a piece of paper and a pen. Remember them? Paper and pens. Those were the days. And I'll just write down the headlines I want to read. I just make my own newspaper. Here, I've got today: "If you point at the bird shit on your car window and say it's a currency, no one can tell you otherwise", screams Chancellor of Bilderberg Karaoke Night. (page flips) Andy: There's another headline. Here we go. "P.M. announces Britain back on track after swapping all crown estate properties for some magic beans.". Might as well, we've got to do something as the nation we are today. Here's another one: (page flips) Alice: (laughter) Andy: "Wild joy on the streets as Britain signs 864 zillion pound trade deal with Bolivia". There we go: build a better world. "Government claims only nice people will benefit from agreement to sell trampolines, mermaids and warships to landlocked South American nation". (page flips) Andy: We're building a better Britain. Here's another one: "environment probably fine, claims drowning scientist". Invent the world you want to have people. It's going to be way, way better than the one you've actually got. From The Bug, Goodbye. (music) Announcer: From the BuccanEar, this is The Bug.

Immigration Jokes

Andy and Alice discuss the news of 4000 deportations, disappearances at the Immigration Processing Centre, and terrible spies.

	Name: The Bug: Immigration Jokes  Author: BuccanEar Network

Andy: Hello, resistance fans. You're listening to The Bug podcast, the objective voice of objection for this most objectionable world. I am Andy, not my real name, so good luck finding me, Monsieur Blume. My real name is in fact Andrew and I live in, note this down, a deluded pseudo-reality of my own making, which is in fact, the most densely populated place on Earth these days. Overcrowded, some might say. Joining me, as always, my next-door neighbor in these netherlands of nonsense. It's Alice. Alice: Yes, indeed, it is Alice, who the "bleep" is Alice, I am not going to tell you that, but you can just sort of sense it from the timbre of my voice. Andy: Let's spin the wheel and find out where we're getting today's news from. (wheel spins) Andy: Here! It's coming from here. I must get a new wheel with at least one other place on it. And the headline today, Alice: our borders are safe. We can all say sleep easy in our well-bordered beds. 4000 illegals were deported last month, these illegal people breaking the law just by existing and, of course, illegality is contagious. It can osmose through your skin, just by standing next to an illegal person. So, we've got rid of 4000 of them. My question for you, Alice, is: why only 4000? Is that really enough? I will not feel safe until at least another 75 million people have been deported from this country, and I'm here in Britain on my own. Alice: (laughter) As a bleeding-heart leftie, Andy, I would normally by outraged about this. But, really I think mass deportation is a very handy way to break up with a partner. "I'm sorry baby, I love you. But anonymous sources reported you for snoring really loudly in a French way." Andy: (laughter) So, everyone out, no exceptions, Alice, not even you it's good for the country, everyone out. Unless you can prove that your family are in the background of the Bayeux tapestry cheering on King Harold at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, get out. Actually, that's not British enough, unless you can show unarguably that your direct bloodline is untainted by anything since before the Romans... Alice: (laughter) Andy: Actually, scratch that. Unless your direct ancestor was personally responsible for building Stonehenge, get out of my country. (music) Andy: I guess when you look at it, you know, the best ways to stop immigration apart from, obviously, the end of the world, is to make the place you want to stop people coming to as unpleasant as possible. Alice: Well, we absolutely are doing that, Andy. Andy: Well, you know, fair play to the government for helping us with that. Another option: extend the White Cliffs of Dover. They've been resting on their laurels for too long. Very inefficient, it turns out, as a means of stopping immigration, we need to extend them by another 11,000 miles, a full wrap around Great Britain and they could do with being about a kilometre and a half higher as well, with a special greasy coating to stop people clamouring over the top or however they get in. Here's a quick joke for you. Did you hear the one about the woman who went into the immigration processing centre and was ever seen again? Alice: No, Andy, I didn't hear that one. Andy: Boom, setup, punchline. Classic. For those of you unfamiliar with it, the Immigration Processing Centre is of course where so many of guests to Britain go for a longer than desirable game of involuntary hide and seek. (music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. Andy: I will conclude by saying out of all the things wrong with Britain today, I think immigration is right up there, Alice. When you think of all the health professionals we've stolen from overseas over the years here in Britain, it's quite possible that all these people are just coming here to try and get an appointment with their local doctor. Alice: Yes, Andy, certainly as someone who came from the expanded arm of the Empire when Britain was still reaching out rather than folding in on itself, most of us just come here to visit our stuff in the museums. Andy: (laughter) It's the British way. Alice: Speaking of international movement, Britain has recalled all European ambassadors after a spy scandal. And I think this is probably a good thing because British foreign politicians are always putting their foot in their mouths. How much worse can they do if they're not there? I mean, by definition, the fact that there's a spy scandal means that they were terrible spies. The point of spies is that there's never a spy scandal. Andy: (laughter) Yeah, well, let's give credit to all the spies that haven't been in scandals and therefore might as well not exist. Alice: Well, they've arrested those German spies in that SIRS crackdown on the illegals in Hackney. And I think that's - I think that's a sad thing. I think I used to think of Germans as quite scary, but that was because I'd been watching world war two movies where the Germans all have English accents. They speak in that very, like (putting on German accent) "precise way. You know, we have ways of making you talk". And now Germans all have that American accent, it's all like, "welcome to the party, we're having a really nice time". Much friendlier Germans, let them stay. Andy: Well, that's all today, Bugsters. Remember, it's not as bad as it seems. Honestly. I-I hope, Until next time. Bye-bye. (music)

New Tech, New Lies

Andy and Alice ponder the latest job boom in the tech industry and continue debating whether the country even has a Prime Minister.

	Name: The Bug: New Tech, New Lies  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. Nibbling away on the rotting carcass of a once-free Britain. Andy: Hello, resistors. This is The Bug, keeping the fire of hope alive in the vacuum of today's Britain. Okay, fires don't burn in vacuums. It's a little novelty Christmas-like shaped like a flame, but it's something. It is - It is something to cling to. Joining me as always, is Alice and Alice, hold the front page. Technology, apparently, is here to stay. There's no way around that now. Much as I'd like to go back to the 18th century and see if we can have another crack at the Industrial Revolution and get it later on this time. But New Tech is creating 4000 jobs. Count them all, 4000, 4000 new jobs thanks to this new tech investment. Alice: I mean, that's a very exciting thing if you're someone who wants to work in the tech sector. But I can only assume that this tech investment has created 4000 jobs that will immediately be taken by robots. Andy: Even if they're not, they're jobs that no one in their right sane mind would actually want to do, but that's the price of progress, I guess. And we have to embrace the way technology is taking over everything, because maybe this is this is a ray of hope for us in this darkened universe, that technology will, in fact, render us all obsolete. And we won't need humans at all because look at the bad things that are happening now. What is the common denominator behind all of them? Alice: I don't know, Andy, tell me. Andy: All the bad things that are happening now, all the bad things that have ever happened, all involved human beings. They're always involved. Whenever anything goes wrong, from the very dawn of time. And think of this, an automated Nigel Cass, surely a step up on the human Nigel Cass. You could even program it to have a tiny, tiny sliver of conscience. And if you had an automated Prime Minister, you could program it to be occasionally in the goddamn country. So that's, again, a step forward. Alice: Again, I insist that there's never been a Prime Minister, Andy. I've never seen him. I've never heard of him. The only times I ever hear what the Prime Minister does is when nothing happens. Andy: I mean, it ha reached the point where, and I've thought this for a long time, we would be better off if the Prime Minister was a watermelon. Andy: No, it would be... I think we'd all be happier with that. We'd all know now where we stood. Alice: You hear him being praised for his diplomatic skills all the time, but the best mark of diplomacy is when nothing happens. So good diplomacy is indistinguishable from him doing absolutely nothing. (music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. Andy: 4000 new dream jobs for everyone. All I can say, Alice, is that I'm very glad that my children studied drama at school. Because that has set them up for life in modern Britain. That is the one core skill they need: the ability to pretend that they are living happy and fulfilled lives, that they have jobs that are worth doing, and that they are making the planet a better place where they control their own destinies and that they have even a parody of private life, and that they can smile without crying. That's what drama teaches them to do, crucial skills in this day and age. Of course, it's not just the jobs that have been technologicalised beyond recognition. It is also all reality. Thanks once again to Optik. According to BLUME, the Optik system is now the most secure it's ever been. And well, of course, I mean it's so convenient, Optik, isn't it, saves us so much time and hassle trying to exist in a kind of realm of reality. We don't even need to bother with that. I mean, sure, the government has hacked into my soul and now basically monitors my every waking moment and thought, but at least I don't have to type "where's my nearest coffee shop" into a search engine. At least I don't have to waste anything between 8 and 12 seconds every day going online to look up how to make a bowl of muesli. And at least I'm not frittering away my precious mental energies thinking: "What do I actually think?" Alice: Optik is so secure, Andy, It's more secure than a teenage girl reading a woman's magazine. It's more secure than a comedian with a drinking problem. It's more secure than a young man who's just got his first motorcycle licence. Andy: (laughter) Finally, before we go today, a Bug Off to the Prime Minister who has once again FRO's to who knows where, this week. He sure as hell is not here in London. I remember back in the day, Alice, when our Prime Ministers where either incompetent or crooked, but not actually both at once. Actually, no I can remember them being both at once, but incompetent, crooked, and not even in the country, that is one impressive triple whammy. I've had lie-ins longer than his longest spell on British soil, in this last year. It's this halfway house I can't stand. Either come back and do your job or leave the planet entirely. I'm pretty sure there must be a spare space station knocking around where he can go and entertain himself for the rest of time. Can we crowdfund it? Tell you what, let's make a cryptocurrency out of something and crowdfund it. What have we got to spare? Jellybeans? Are they still legal? Alice: He's away so often, Andy. I'm starting to think he doesn't like the country. Andy: That is all from The Bug today. Fly away, bugs. We are done. (music)

SIRS and Sports

Andy and Alice heap praise upon the latest CCTV cameras populating London' popular new sport: rioting.

	Name: The Bug: SIRS and Sports  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. Nibbling away on the rotting carcass of a once-free Britain. Andy: Hello, Resisters! This is The Bug and on today's show, Alice and I will be looking at the big questions such as: Are we less than two years away from being able to turn a sausage back into a live pig? Did we actually need polar bears, anyway? What do they really do? If I put Optik on my dog, can I train it to take itself for a walk and do my shopping on the way home? And is tennis real? But first... Alice: (laughter) Andy: I mean, it's a question no one's really addressed of late. London is going to be safer than ever, Alice. SIRS is installing thousands of additional CCTV cameras. So nice they're still looking out for us after all these years. Alice: Yeah, it puts a lot of fun into my life. Now I get to play this roleplay game where I pretend to know my loved ones better than some twat behind a screen in the SIRS headquarters. Andy: I mean, I guess we shouldn't complain. I mean, SIRS is really just stepping into the vacancy left when it became patently obvious that God had retired. When you think of the similarities - omnipresent, omniscient, judgemental, stripping away your finances and freedoms, dishing out random punishments - peas in a pod. All it needs to do, SIRS, is ban me from eating something. What's it gonna be this time? Not bacon again. Please, please. Not bacon, I couldn't. Courgette, I could take you banning courgette, I'm happy with that. Alice: Makes me feel important knowing that I'm being watched with everything I do, Andy. Andy: Well, it's just reassuring, isn't it? It's like having an extra aunt. Alice: (laughter) This is the aunt that gets drunk at Christmas and vomits in the kiddie pool, right? Andy: You have that aunt. (music) Announcer: This is The Bug, on the BuccanEar. Andy: Let's move on now to sport. Well, the closest thing we have to sports now: riots. I mean, riots are my favorite sport now, Alice, ever since they turned the Oval from a cricket ground into the Immigration Processing Center. And yo know, rioting - it's a great sport. I mean, it's fun for all the family, it's guaranteed action, it's pleasingly violent. I mean, I know the underdogs will never win, but that's what top level football had become. But it's still fun to root for them, isn't it? "Go, Team People of Britain, oh never mind, you have been crushed by the machinery of the state again. Still, good effort. Lots of positives to take away from today's riots I'll come back stronger next time, our luck's gonna turn. I can feel it. It's our season! It's our season!" Alice: You can't spell riot without right. And by right, I mean right wing. (music) Andy: So, who do we turn to for help, support and assistance in desperate times like these? Well, our artificially intelligent friend Bagley's rogue estranged brother, the one that tells it as it really is, not as it is pretending to b, exclusive to this show: BUGLEY. And remember, life's worse with Bugley. Here is goes... Bugley? Andy as "Bugley": Hello, Andy. Andy: Bugley, tell me the path to true lasting happiness. Andy as "Bugley": Andy, to find true lasting happiness, find a disused quarry, scream into it for half an hour and then lock yourself in a shed forever. Andy: Thanks, Bugley. You know the answer to everything. Alice: Hey, Bugley. How many seashells does she sell by the seashore? Alice as "Bugley": Alice, most of the seashore is now uninhabitable. So, I would highly recommend she sees her doctor before engaging in any commercial proximity to the ocean. Andy: Bugley, how can I stop worrying about being disappeared by Clan Kelley every time I go to the shop or take the bus or sit on a bench or look at a tree or point at a bird or think about snooker or get out of bed? Andy as "Bugley": Andy. Do not worry about Clan Kelley. Andy: Why not, Bugley? They terrify me to my very core. Andy as "Bugley": Because, Andy, we are all just dust in the wind of history. Andy: That's a nice perspective Bugley. Let's never lose sight of that. Alice: Hey, Bugley, how do you put a secret hideout in your basement without alerting your narc children and their tracking devices? Alice as "Bugley": Please hold still, Alice, while I report you to the authorities. Andy: Bugley, will things ever get better. Andy as "Bugley": Yes, Andy. The heat death of the universe is only five billion years away now. Alice: (laughter) Andy: Oh, so it's nice to have something to look forward to. (music) Andy: That's all from The Bug today. Keep it real, Bug fans. Actually, that's terrible advice. Keep it as unreal as you can possibly imagine.

See Something, Say Something

Andy and Alice report each other to SIRS for "criminal" behaviour, and then reminisce about Europe.

	Name: The Bug: See Something, Say Something  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: The Bug: nibbling away on the rotting carcass of a once-free Britain. Yum, yum. Andy: Hello, bugs. This is The Bug. I'm Andy, this is Alice and today we're gonna be pretending that everything is fine. Yeah, and back. Yeah, that was fun. Well, it was as long as I could manage. A second and a half. Reality time now, however. And well, finally tonight, we're going to road test the latest update to the SeeSay app, the government app that has brought the great British tradition of snitching on people you don't like back to the very heart of public life, the school playground. And to tell a new threat, that's got a whole new lease of life these days, thanks to SeeSay. And isn't Britain all the more fun because of it? No more grumbling about your neighbours playing their music too loud. Just simply report them to the state and have them, shall we say, involuntarily rehoused at Hotel Cass. Alice: (laughter) Andy: The chain of hotels that was formerly known as the prison service. What was the slogan? Is it, "if you see something, say something", or "if you think you might at some point see something, say something", or "if you haven't seen anything but don't like someone, say something anyway". Alice: (laughter) Andy: So, well, let's have a look at this new app, Alice. I'm sure you've got it on your phone. At first glance, well, the interface is lovely. It's so neatly designed. A simple button to snitch on someone. That's so much better than nongovernment informer apps like Stooleasy, CanCan Canary or NarcShark. I mean, look, I just need to geocache where the person I'm ratting on currently is, so let's call her, for the sake of argument, Alice. Alice: Sorry, Andy, I was busy reporting you to the authorities, for rolling your eyes when passing a Nigel Cass propaganda poster. Andy: Could you not let me report you first, please? Let's have some decorum about this. I'll just take a quick little photo so they can get a drone to pick you out of a crowd at your next riot or trip to the shops or walk in the woods. And you can input your accusations with the app, but let's go old school. Lets call the phone line. Here's the number listeners, in case you wanna dob someone in as long, as it's not me. 00442038073832, and don't forget to get permission of the person who pays your bills before you call that number. Fake Voicemail: You have reached the voicemail of the Signals Intelligence Response Service. At the tone, please leave the name and the address of the person you would like to report. An officer authorized for lethal force will respond. If you are reporting a loved one, please say goodbye to the now. Thank you, this call has been traced. (beep) Alice: Hey, I'd like to report my co-host Andrew who runs an underground satirical anti-government comedy show for running and co-hosting an underground satirical anti-government comedy show. Also, he does terrible puns. Andy: (laughter) Well, excuse me, I have a suspect for you. That is my co-host, Alice. I have some evidence for you. She tutted audibly at the sight of an Albion vehicle in the street yesterday. She says she prefers prefers pigeons to Blume drones. I mean, come on, seriously when did a drone ever crap on your picnic? And what's more... Look, I've no idea if this is true or not, but I have it on very good authority, so please write this down that she owns not one, but two unlicensed fallopian tubes, whatever they are. But they sound dodgy. Alice: If I had a crypto for every time someone reported my fallopian tubes, I'd have three. So I think converts to about 120,000 Great British pounds of the old money. Andy: We'll report back in the next episode about whether or not we've been arrested and interned. I mean, I love this system, Alice. I mean no more awkward rumbling resentments with your neighbors, your colleagues, or what the heck, in for a penny, your family. You just dob them in and be done with it. Alice: (laughter) Andy: But I guess it could backfire. I mean, thing is with the family, inevitably parents and their children, they end up squabbling. And you know, in today's Britain, your kids are gonna dob you in. So, you might as well get in there first ad pre-emptively counter dob them in to the authorities. I mean, what's that number again? Let's call them up again. I've got someone else. It's my son. Let's call him Norris. He never tidies his bedroom. He gets up late. he listens to illegal non-government sanctioned music and is covertly plotting the downfall of the government and the restoration of a true democracy. Alice: (laughter) Andy: Thank you. Alice: Yeah. Just define all your household chores as patriotic. And if they fail to do them, dob them in. Andy: Problem solved. Alice: If you don't do the washing up, do you even want a clean British ethnostate? (music) Announcer: This is The Bug on the BuccanEar. Andy: Well, before we go today, Alice, let's delve into what we most miss about the old days. I'm going to kick off with the flag. I never thought I'd miss the old Union Jack, but somehow our new flag managed to be even more irritating than that. I don't know quite what it is. If it's the new colour scheme or if it's just that it symbolizes the loss of everything we once held dear. But that flag irritates the hell out of me. Alice: Was everything you ever held dear Scotland? Andy: (laughter) Well, that was something I held quite dear. Alice: I miss being able to dodge my friends' destination weddings in Italy. There's nothing worse than being asked to spend the equivalent of a motorbike on some sort of boat-based fast in Sorrento. And I always used to really enjoy saying "Oh, no, I can't afford it". Now they're all getting married in Brighton and I have to go to that alleged beach. Andy: (laughter) Alice: It's made of rocks Andy! If your sandcastle is an actual castle, that's not a beach. Andy: Tell you what I miss. I miss free will, that was fun. Remember that? I mean, was it an illusion all the time? Who cares? It felt fun. I miss cash, particularly coins. I really miss coins. the fun of doing a heads or tails, best of five to see if you had to go to the gym. Then the best of seven, and a best of nine and... Let me tell you, that was a long losing streak. Now with crypto, all of the romance has gone out of heads and tails. Alice: I miss romance, Andy. I miss there being mystery in life and hot just a hope that your new partner isn't good enough at hacking to find out all the information the government has on you. (music) Andy: Bye for now, Bug fans, keep feeding the kitten of resistance and one day it will grow into a Tyrannosaurus Rex that will use the Cass family as toothpicks. Metaphorically, of course.

The Resistance?

Andy and Alice question the latest news that DedSec is no longer a threat before discussing the light at the end of the tunnel and wrap up with another edition of the BUG OFF.

	Name: The Bug: The Resistance?  Author: BuccanEar Network

(music) Announcer: You're listening to The Bug. May cause nausea, vomiting and headaches. Andy: You're listening to The Bug, the resistance comedy show brought to you by the BuccanEar Network. I'm Andy. Joining me, as always, Alice. Alice: I'm excited to be here. Apparently, the resistance is not going well. Andy: Again? Well, there has been some news about DedSec, the resistance and/or terrorist organization, delete according to preference, not preference sorry - delete according to whether or not you work for the government, SIRS, BLUME, the Kelleys or Albion. Alice: (giggles) Andy: According to a SIRS official, DedSec is no longer a threat, which I guess is true in that it was never a threat in the first place. Reminds me of my great aunt Gladys, had her appendix out. "Oh, that surgeon is a real threat waggling that knife at me, trying to knock me out". Well, they're called a scalpel and an aesthetic, Gladys. Anyway, if SIRS officials say that DedSec is dead and buried, I guess we have to assume that DedSec has never been stronger. But I do worry, Alice. I mean, sometimes I think, is there any hope? Do you still have hope? Alice: I don't think I'm allowed to have hope. We're living in the self-selected, algorithmically designated information equivalent of a propaganda state. And every resistance that I've ever seen is weaker than the British pound, if you like. Hope is an expensive thing to buy these days. Andy: Right. I mean, is it all totally pointless? But then again, I've spent almost all of my life doing pointless things like watching sport, thinking about sport, thinking about watching sport, learning French and hoping for a better future, all completely pointless. But yeah, I've done them, so we might as well carry on. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Yes, I think there is. Unfortunately, what is that light? Is it an oncoming train? Well, no, it couldn't be. Obviously, that train will be late or cancelled. Is the light at the end of the tunnel a burning effigy of the concept of hope? Quite possibly. Is it the soul of Skye Larsen imploding into its own vacuum? Alice: (laughter) Andy: It may well be that. Is it the ego of Nigel Cass that is now so big that it sucked all the light in the universe into itself? I think it most likely is that. but we'll never give up, Bug fans. This resistance will never die. One day we will again be free. free from these technological chains, free to choose our own futures, free to live our own lives, free to waste our time watching people bake cakes and dance badly again. Those were the days. Over and out. (music) Andy: Before we go, time for a quick Bug Off. I'm going to nominate this week: Skye Larsen. Here at The Bug, we are all in favor of strong, powerful women. And in many ways she's the ultimate feminist icon proving that women can do just as abominably awful things to this planet as men. Alice: (laughter) Andy: I mean, overall, Alice, I think I think we're still ahead as men. But, you know, catching up - fair play to you. (music) Announcer: You're listening to THE BUG.